Thursday, September 18, 2008

With Age Comes Wisdom and Aching Bones

I have begun my daily workouts and let me tell you times have changed. I use to be able to run a 5 mile stretch with a hangover and a cigarette hanging from my mouth. Now I can barley crack 3 miles sober. What the hell? I am 31 years old and have been eating healthy for a while now. I still smoke and drink but even that has tapered off a bit. The gym I attend is 4 blocks away and it took all my strength to walk home from there today. So now lets recap.....Losing my hair, the hair I still have left is going grey, i have man boobs, and I when I read for an extended period of time my eyes begin to blur. I'm scared of whats next. At least i still have regular bowl movements, God forbid i have to start using a stool softener. Also for my good friend Vicky no matter what age group your in there is always a younger group. The other day I heard some kid use the slang "that's sick" and didn't realize it meant something good. If I say that's sick I'm usually referring to those guys that weigh 100 pounds and have a Leif Garrett haircut. Well i guess I'll sign off for now its time for my afternoon nap.


Well I've embarked on something new yet again, or revisited something. I have begun to work out at the gym again. I have done this partly because I was inspired by my friend Joe who is embarking on the same thing, and partly because the other day when i ran across the street I nearly gave myself a black eye with my man boobs. Now mind you I am not a heavy guy, in fact I am fairly thin, but it seems no matter how much I work I cannot get rid of them. They are not Pamela Anderson big, but if i don't take action I will soon be a B cup. All the woman in my family are well endowed, and unfortunately so are the men. No matter how thin I get they never shrink. I have begun wearing muscle shirts under my normal shirts in order to keep them in place, and lets face it an undershirt is basically a man bra. There is nothing more embarrassing ( except falling down on a regular basis, no names needed) than a man whose chest bounces when he walks. You feel as if everyone passing you in the street is staring. You feel violated when people talk to your man boobs instead of looking you in the eye. I bet all you women out there thought you were the only ones. Men with fatty boobs get the same stares only for different reasons. I am going to work my butt off until they are gone, if that doesn't work I am thinking pf plastic surgery. I will keep you updated.

Sunday, September 7, 2008


Well it happened yet again. I know I have mentioned a couple of instances when my beloved loses his balance and eats dirt, so it should come as no surprise that I have yet another example as to why I need to put him in a bubble. Yesterday, my partner and I along with a few friends decided to attend German fest in our neighborhood. It was a wonderful day filled with food, German music and lots of beer. The weather was beautiful, and the crowd was friendly. We started with a parade that marched right down the middle of our street, next we went to the square to join the festivities. We played games and ate brauts, and drank lots of beer. Now mind you I am not a beer drinker so I was cautious and limited myself to a only a few. My partner and friends went a little further. By the time eight o'clock rolled around the majority of our group was thoroughly plastered. My partner was part of this majority. It was decided that at this point we should go home. Dalton was very intoxicated and we decided to end the night. A friend of ours kindly helped me walk Dalton home because I needed the help. After a couple of blocks the beer kicked in with force. Dalton had to go potty. After yelling at him not to pee in the street he stopped at a local park to attempt a relief of his bladder. Again I cautioned him against it but he was determined. He did not realize that a chain blocked off the park and he would have to walk over it. Well this is when it happened he tripped on the chain and down he went into the dirt. My friend and I quickly ran over to pick him up. We walked the rest of the way home as blood trickled down from his knee and I wiped mud from his shirt. We got home and went to bed. The next day I discovered his knee was swollen and bruised. It has come to my attention that I really may need to put him in a bubble or fit him with knee pads and a helmet, I haven't decided which of these to go with yet.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Its Not Funny

Its been a while since my last blog, so I decided to update it with a little story called " You thinks its really funny but its really wet and runny". This past week a good friend of ours visited us here in beautiful Chicago. Now those of you who know us are aware that we enjoy the occasional cocktail. Vicky our friend also occasionally enjoys a cocktail or two so when she arrived we decided we would partake in a few and catch up. It took longer to catch than anticipated so a few cocktails turned into a few more. The next after we awoke we decided to walk around the neighborhood and then head out to Boystown, and by Boystown I mean the street where 100 pound boys go to find themselves a husband. We enjoyed yet another cocktail or two before heading home at 1 am. The next day our house guest and myself woke to find Dalton bright eyed and bushy tailed ( Yes its time for a wax). Vicky and I were less than enthusiastic when he proposed we go to Navy Pier. We agreed so as to show Vicky more of Chicago than we had. It was a beautiful day and the pier was full of people. Now mind you when I have a slight hangover my body does things that I have no control over. My head pounds, i get nauseated, and I have a very loose stomach. In other words I poo like no body's business. Well you have probably guessed by now that I had one such attack at Navy Pier. It started slowly with a cramp or two then turned into what I would assume giving birth is like. I handed my partner the shopping bag I was carrying and ran for dear life. I searched and searched yet could not find a bathroom without a line. Finally after I had run the majority of the pier I found an empty restroom. I wont get into detail about what happened next, but I will say this was possibly one of the most embarrassing things that has happened to me in a while. I exited the bathroom sweaty and red faced.I do not like to use public restrooms for this particular function, but alas God had other plans.